I didn’t think it would happen again. I’ve seen my share of deserts and I always said I’d never go back. Yet, I found myself in that place again. A place of total anguish and exhaustion. Searching, hoping, yearning for something or someone to fill my cup. Like pulling on a door that clearly says push, I kept on wrestling with what my intuition and God were saying.
I haven’t quite made it out of this desert yet. I’m still here trying to make sand castles out of loose sand that won’t stop slipping through my fingers. The tightness and the aching in my chest are quiet whispers reminding me that I did it again. I strayed from my true essence.
I’m on a journey to a place that I don’t think I’ve ever really been.
There’s something beautiful about this pain. I’ve experienced all of these feelings before but this time there’s something different. I sit in bed at night and I can feel loneliness coursing through me. I can feel the triggers of my past reminding me that I’m not good enough. I don’t ask God to take this pain from me. I ask him to shape and mold me as he sits and embraces me in his arms. I invite him in to heal the wounds that keep drawing me back to this place. I let hot tears stream down my cheeks and I cry out to him like I’ve never cried out before.
I don’t know exactly where I left the woman I once was, and I’m honestly not sure if she’s coming back. What I do know, is that I am finding strength in this struggle. I refuse to let bitterness and resentment seep into my bones. I’m learning to lean on others in a way that makes me uncomfortable. I’m used to being a lone wolf. My mindset has always told me that people are temporary. But here I am. Being fiercely pursued by God and the people he has sent to sit in this mess with me. I’m tired of hiding when trouble strikes. I’m learning to let people love me in my ugliness and to ask for love when I need it.
One thing I’m certain of is that God is guiding me home. Slowly and meticulously, but I’m walking day by day. Finding delight in this pain and reminding myself that iron sharpens iron. The life that I was made to live is waiting for me, I have no doubt about that. For now, I will continue to marinate in all of these doubts, emotions, and fears. I will embrace them and allow them to be part of my healing process. I am choosing to be brave. I choose to trust and surrender to the God that created me. I’m taking my life back and allowing my self to be freed from the chains that bind me.